Confessions of a Personal Growth Junkie

Hi, My name is Jarrett and I'm a Personal Growth Junkie...

("Hi, Jarrett!")

I didn't really think that the path and decisions I've made was really a problem for me. In fact, I don't even know why I'm here. It's not like I'm sneaking around behind anyone's back. People know what I'm up to. In fact I've openly blogged about my past experience in different class settings. Is that really a problem here? You really want to know a problem situation? Then look at the blog HERE that I completed over six years ago. Now that person who wrote THIS has a problem. Wouldn't you agree?

I mean, what is wrong with taking classes, reading books, and doing home-study courses to become a more open, present, richer, relational person. I don't see anything wrong with doing all of that. What am I in denial of?

OK, OK, I'm very offended that your overall assessment is that with all of that stuff I've been doing these past three or more years, I haven't really created any concrete results. That's YOUR f*cking opinion. I'm not going to make a million dollars overnight. I didn't take any courses called "manifesting lottery jackpots," ok? I gotten better in my acting even though I haven't done a major production in almost five years prior to my taking these courses. Hell, I even got an agent now. I didn't have one before. So this "I haven't made enough progress" bullshit offends me immensely. There's more to life than just dollars, you know.

Listen, I've accomplished a lot since I've taken these courses. It doesn't matter if I made any money or found the love of my life yet. My lovelife aint none of your business anyways. I've learned to rock-climb, rappel, break arrows on my neck, walk on fire, and skydive. I wouldn't have done any of that without learning what I learned. And F* You, don't you tell me it didn't do me any good.

No, I don't think I'm better than any of you because I've done all of that. Actually the purpose of learning to do all those challenges was to acknowledge and affirm MY awesomeness and unlimited potential as a human being. I swear it's not to elevate myself over any of you folks. No, that's not why I did that. I just wanted to be able to do something I thought was not possible for me to do. That's all. And now that I've done it, yes I do feel more empowered. So? What's wrong with that? No, I swear I'm not basing myself on completing those challenges. No, I have not looked down on people who hasn't done such activities. Yes, I have shared those moments with strangers. I'm proud of what I've accomplished. Why wouldn't I share with someone? Stop looking at me like I'm in some sort of denial. I know better than basing my self-worth on some extreme-sporting activity.

Look, contrary to your assessment about me, I do intend to apply every lesson I learned and integrating it into all my endeavors. Is that why I'm here? Cause you folks don't think I will be able to pull it off? I know I can pull this off. Hey you know, I've walked on fire be-

-No, no, no, I'm not trying to prove myself on what I done. Look, I know what you guys are doing, ok? I'm not gonna fall for that. Oldest trick in the book. Trap me at my own words. Nice try.

What is it to you? No, I didn't complete every book I purchased yet. Am I supposed to read ALL OF THEM at once? No, I haven't reviewed my workbook from that course I took two years ago. What difference does that make? No, I haven't contacted my classmate I agreed to support. We've BOTH been very busy. What is your point in all of this? Who's in denial here? Maybe you don't have a point after all and you're wasting my time dragging me here-

-NO, I'm NOT a victim.

If that's what's bothering you so much, then I'll finish all the home-study courses I started. Yes, I'll read all the books and finish them. There's nothing wrong with me following-up on what I learned in class. It's not like I'm some reality show junkie. I don't care about Idol, or Glee. I'm committed to my growth. Is there anything wrong with that? I'm really getting tired of this accusation that I'm NOT. Why would I be buried in all of this if I wasn't committed. That's what offends me so much.

Have I taken what I learned and applied it to my work? Well if and when I'm given that opportunity, I will. My relationships? What's with the obsession with my love life? Oh, ALL relationships. I knew that. Just playing. I'm learning to. I'm learning to. That's what this is, I AM learning to. I'm learning to apply this to my career, my relationships, my spirituality, my physical well being. I'm learning to, OK?

I'm learning, OK? I'm learning, OK? I'm learning to, OK? I just NEED to complete this other seminar, and order this home-study course, THEN I'll apply-

-what's with this shaking your head crap?

Why This Site is Titled "Jia You--->Ga Yau!"

Originally Posted HERE Three Years Ago on May 13, 2008. This is why I titled this website after this topic.

Jia You! (Author's note: "Ga Yau" is the Cantonese Term for the Mandarin "Jia You")

My Singapore Sis often reads this blog. Actually at times, it seems like she's the ONLY reader of this blog. She and I aren't brother and sister per se by birth. It was an evolving friendship over time that consisted of many theological debates and name calling cheap shots. (mainly due to my carelessness) But in the end, the person who sees me off at the Changi Airport is her.

There are several times when I read the comments from her and say to myself, "WTF??? What the hell is she talking about?" I know Singapore is an English speaking country, but the frustration is that the cultural differences between here and there affects the terminology, and I have no clue what she's saying, or she has no clue what I'm saying. Actually, that also helped develop the "character" of our friendship or siblinghood over the years. So not too long ago, I read a comment from her that kept repeating, Jia You! Jia You! Jia You! Jia You! Jia You! I'm like "what the fuck is she talking about???" Finally a short time ago, I received this message from her:

Jia You means "don't stop," or "keep going!" Literally, it translate to "keep it oiled."

A few entries back I mentioned that I spent the last year on personal growth especially after briefly dating a psycho chick from hell. I took a closer look at the situation and noticed that there was a pattern worth NOT repeating, so I contacted an old mentor from years past. Marc Accetta was an "upline" from an MLM company I once worked for. His mentor Bill Gouldd was the main trainer of that company and through his trainings, I learned way much more than sales. I contacted Marc about a year ago thinking that Mr. Gouldd no longer conducted training on personal growth to help me take my life to the next level as an actor, writer, and in my relationships or lack of. I would've continued to take courses through either of them, but when they got involved over a litigation battle involving the training materials, I felt it was time to move onto another source.

So when my friend Mandy was visiting me from Denver a short time after my weekend spent w/Marc a year ago, she picqued my curiousity of her visit. She was going to a personal growth training on a ranch up in Northern California for an entire week. I thought the concept of her growth class was weird to me in the respect that 1) she was to be picked up directly from the SFO at 6am to be driven to the ranch and 2) she was not allowed to discuss any of her training to me afterwards, but she was "enlightened." I'm like what the fuck kinda post-hippie new age crap group has she gotten herself involved with? THEN, she told me that the name of the organization was called PSI Seminars. I couldn't help but think, 'yup, she definitely got mixed up with the WRONG group here.' So throughout the rest of the year, we'd often compare notes and what sort of "results" occured in the aftermath of our trainings. My result was passing a very unusual audition process to be invited to work and study with a professional actors training company in Singapore, but after several futile applications with the Singapore government, and several enrollment delays with the training centre, I decided that at that point the best avenue for me was to remain in the States. I took a "final" trip to Singapore this past January to say my "goodbyes" to my friends there, and if you recall a past entry about the "HERE AND NOW," I came to the realization that I could find what I'm looking for anywhere because what I was looking for came from within. Well I never finished the entire story...

However, please read "HERE AND NOW" before proceeding further.

So after eating my dinner at the Kopitiam following the show where I took over an hour and 3 modes of transportation to find the theater, my Singapore Sis text messaged me something that caused me to reflect back on the previous two years. I returned to my hotel room, contacted Mandy in Denver, and attempted to enroll into the course she took when she went to California. Problem was, PSI has a structure such that there are prereqs to complete in order to take certain courses with them. So I enrolled in their "Basics" during the month of March in anticipation to eventually enroll in the course Mandy took.

I recently completed the course Mandy took, and I now fully understand why all the secrecy and why the isolation on the ranch to conduct the course. The bottom line was that my experience and what I learned was unbelievable and beyond words to describe. In the end, I was able to look at the things I done this past week and say to myself, "I did awesome!" and mean it. More importantly, I was able to look at myself and say to myself, "I AM awesome!" and mean it from the bottom of my heart. A very priceless experience I must say.

So if you noticed, I too like Mandy did not discuss what occured during my week at the High Valley Ranch. I look at it this way: I get a dream job for the company I been wanting to work for since childhood. I know the application and interviewing and job screening procedures. You also are interested in working for the same company and ask for the list of questions they're most likely to ask during the screening. Would it be fair if I disclosed that information? Of course not. But let's say that I did disclose the information. Did you get the job on your own merit? So why would I provide answers to a test? I say this with conviction because I know how much anyone could benefit from taking any of the courses with PSI. If you were to take any of the courses, you would not maximize your benefit if I were to "give the answers in advanced" to you. Had Mandy "warned" me about any of the contents prior to my attendance last week, I know the accomplishments I made there wouldn't have felt as fulfilling. Likewise, I will do my best to answer questions to any of you without talking about the actual courses. Yes, it's going to be a challenge, but I feel that the maximum effectiveness of the courses is predicated on the confidentiality of the class.

This past week totally blew me away. As I stated earlier, this was the first time ever that I was able to look at myself and say to myself, "I'm awesome!" It's a priceless feeling to experience and I'm very confident that any of you would have the same reaction. Personal growth isn't about getting wealthy although one of the aspect is about building economic equity to your name. It isn't about becoming famous as an actor, though it is about commitment to always work to improve your craft. It isn't about getting the right relationship but it's about being the best person you could be and to avail yourself to others. It isn't about tapping a personal spiritual genie, but it's about improving your relationship with God. It's about a balanced growth in all areas of your life, and we never stop working on that til the day I die.

...jia you! jia you! jia you!

1st Post on Xanga after a Three Year Absence

Originally Posted on Xanga on May 19, 2011. Last Xanga public post was December 2008.

I have over many different blogsites for many different reasons and themes.  On my Faith Entry I attempted to chronologically document my spiritual journey.  It was not the most comprehensive nor cohesive series.  Why don't I stick to just one blog?  Well, I wanted to make sure that my username would be kept track of and consistent.  Chances are anything with a "freezetag168" or "freezetag1688" is most likely me.  I haven't performed or played that game in a few years and I miss it so much.  (The theatrical improvisational version of the game, not the chase game)  In the Cantonese language, "168" spoken in the Cantonese dialect is very auspicious.

In a way, it's pretty challenging to not mention anything about my spiritual contemplations or my ever evolving personal development reflections.  It's very much a major part of me.

Though I've been going to auditions on a regular basis, I have not really acted fully in almost eight months, and I can feel that taking a major toll on me.  I have not discussed the craft of acting in so long and it was such a major part of me.  Performing lion dance is also something I have not mentioned lately.  I still participate in it, but I'm not giving it the full go as years past.  In a lot of ways there's been an "auto-pilot" mode going on.  I have not yet accomplished the goals I set out for myself two years ago, nor have I aggressively pursued them with reckless abandon.  I'm also having second thoughts of whether or not I really want to pursue the professional acting route on a full-time basis anymore.  There was a period where I gave it my all in 2006-2007.  Ironically I was not working with an agent other than the one who offered to represent me in Singapore.  That did not work out.  I remembered making leaps and bounds from 2003-2005.  I was active with the AATC NewWorks program for two seasons in the capacity as both writer and actor, was cast in my first paid tv commercial in 2003, and I landed my first lead roles on stage and on an independent feature film in 2004 and 2005.  I was on such a momentum such that my dying mother retracted her wish of me working in a corporate setting and gave me her blessings to pursue acting full-time before she passed away in June 2005.  I landed my agent in Singapore in 2006, and began to re-work on my fundamentals. (Voice, movement, basic acting, improvisation, film acting)

Somehow, re-working and re-developing my fundamentals seemed to cause me to back-slide.  I have not booked a solid part since.  I have been to auditions in the past 5 years, but was only offered either small parts and/or extra work.  The last project I worked on was for a 48 hour film challenge last summer.  It's tempting to blame the situation on the economy, but that's not accepting full responsibility for all that's been going on.  I miss acting.  I miss performing.  I miss that process of just dissecting a character and making that character become a part of me by connecting with that inner authentic essence of myself.  When I took an indefinite break from Seydways Actors' Lab, I did not expect to be away for more than three months.  It is now six months and counting.  Yet if I were asked when I'd return, I would provide no definite answer.

I'll admit that my personal and spiritual development superseded my acting endeavors.  Whats funny about it was the fact that I began to explore the personal development as a means to enhance my acting.  In the beginning that was the case.  When I took a few personal development workshops in the spring of 2008, I received feedback from my colleagues about how much more present I was during my performances, how my confidence level dramatically increased, and how much more dynamic, centered, and focus I appeared.  I figured that between the benefits I received as a result of taking the personal development workshops and my years work on re-strengthening my fundamentals, I should have an ease in booking roles.  That has not been the case. Then again because of the intensity of some of the workshops I took, I know I placed more unnecessary pressure on myself.  Add to it the fact that I allowed myself to be sidetracked by signing onto various MLM opportunities presented by my friends over the past three years.

So it's time to re-focus on the acting.

Well...not quite yet.

It's time to create a more sustainable consistent income.

Then we'll talk acting shop.

New Blog Format

Dear Lone Readers:

I've decided to keep my blog topics to a more organized fashion.  This past couple of weeks I've been copying and pasting entries from one set of blog to the other in order to accommodate the readers to not have to switch around.  For the past year, I've utilized Blogger for the reason of user-friendly.  I am not able to customize as much as I have on Xanga, but as long as I am able to utilize black/grey/white/and purples, I'm a happy camper.

I attempted to re-vitalize my Xanga for the mere reason of the fact that I paid good money for their lifetime "Premium" account and I wanted to take advantage of that cost.  I also have my earlier documentation of my personal development journey which started to really take off in 2008.  I'm going to ween away from Xanga.  I have started and organize two main blogs: The Faith Entry is about my experiences, observations, and insights on the topic of church and spirituality.  Jia You>>>Ga Yau! will be about discoveries, insights and observations on my personal development and performances.  I'm very well aware that the topic of spirituality and personal development overlap.  My decision on which blog receives what when they do overlap will be more or less a judgement call.

Feel free to read my older entries on Xanga, for they document my transition from grief over my mother's death in 2005 to my personal development in 2008.